Slogan Me This

I never truly realized how much of a time-sink finding/creating a good slogan is, that was until this semester during which I have had two opportunities to craft slogans. I had to do this once for a marketing class and once for an independent study, and I can tell you that each time has been excruciatingly painful. The problem is it doesn't have the same sense of finality that say a paper or an exam does. It seems each time, the slogan think-tank spent a lot of time and came up with fairly average to above average slogans. While, the slogan is certainly a powerful and necessary marketing tool, the crafting of one is difficult and potentially fruitless. In a sense even the best slogan's that were once a unifying factor of a company can be it's downfall. ex Red Roof Inn and its previous cheapest stay slogan. Another problem lies in the fact that if you change a slogan too many times, it feels the effects of diminishing returns. ex Burger King and its boat load of slogans. Needless to say I would hate to be a Sloganeer, or one that creates slogans of worth. It would seem that it's a rather lucrative business as there are plenty of great  slogans out there, but for each great one there is an untold amount of complete and utter failures. I guess at least these failures have one true avenue of success, which would be for our entertainment. A little bit of laughter can go a long way during a stressful day.

Oh Snap! I broke my glasses again?!

Well it's been about a year since the last time I destroyed a pair of glasses and had to buy new ones, which as it happens was about a year after the previous occurrence of broken eye wear. In fact this yearly tragedy has plagued me since my late teens and throughout my entire twenties. (I'll be 28 in July for those curious how long that is.) It is rather unfortunate and unpleasant when this occurs both for the unexpected financial stab (last set of frames and lenses set me back $550, multiplied by how many frames in the previous years... f*@k I feel stupid, at this point Oakley should just pay me to do there frame stress testing) and for looking "a fool" with my ramshackle, hodgepodge fixer-uppers that have to be donned until the new spectacles arrive. Yeah check these awesome bad boys out, you know what they say... If you can't duck it, f*&^ it!

Alright enough of the negative-nancy, woe is me attitude, there are some awesome attributes to bungling my present frames. First, I get to rock new frames every year which is pretty damn exciting, although I generally get similar glasses. Second, I get glasses so frequently that the kind folk down at The Bent Lens don't require updated prescriptions from me any more, which is especially nice for those years in which more than one pair bite the dust. Third, I now am forever with a writing device, should I chose to done the now proclaimed "Party Frames"! Fourth, I found out today that I couldn't even read the top line at the optometrists, with my glasses on! Fifth and most important, at the end of the day they are just another pair of glasses, and minus the monetary nut crunch, why should I really give a damn? Sixth, if ever given the option of going to a Metallica Tribute Band, always attend. Can you really put a price on *allegedly playing air guitar on your back at a show, can you really?

*Allegedly refers to the state one finds themselves in when informed of the previous nights activities that they can't corroborate of their own accord, thusly entering a state of cognitive dissonance and entering the state of "photos or didn't happen".

PS to any of those hipster types out there, I'll sell my recently modified glasses/signing-device for the cool price of either a new pair of glasses or a case of ammo, your choice. Which leads me to a joke to end this post.


How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?




Some obscure number you wouldn't know.

Yarr! Strawberries HO!

When I think of the term Sales Promotions, I think of some partially balding sales clerk at (Insert favorite corporate shopping store here) slowly and methodically taking down the previous weeks sales stickers while putting up the new ones, complete with an evil grin fixed upon his pallid face. I have always assumed that it must be this miser of man that is behind the changing of the weeks promotions, or more importantly the subject to my dismay. Him and his team of veteran enjoyment-robbing-pirate-hookers, they know I am coming and change the sales upon my immediate departure to the vast, glorious, and dangerous land that is The Supermarket. I feel this way because it always seems that all the cool shit was discounted the week before. I know that it's relatively stupid and implausible to assume that  a corporation would make its primary focus to short me out of my potential to get a sweet deal, but seriously wheres the love at?
This brings me to my triumph of the day. Strawberries, not just any strawberries either. I'm talking about delicious, organic strawberries for two dollars a pound. So organic... they are organic. Finally my quest for a bitchin' deal is complete. I guess all I have learned in any of my marketing classes is true, people love sales promotions. It invokes equal parts happiness and excitement, like a pirate sailing the high seas of consumerism avast his ship of savvyness. Now excuse me while I obliterate these strawberries.

Edit: Forgot a picture, already ate the damn strawberries, here's an owl getting hosed.

Spring Adventures

First off, huge props to Professor Austin for letting us duck out of class early and enjoy yesterdays amazingly awesome spring/summer weather. I hope y'all were able to enjoy those amazing cosmic rays that were drenching the greater Bozeman area. What did I do inquired nobody. I packed up my hiking stuff and got my ass up to Lava Lake. Honestly, there is much I would love to blab and brag about, but it just wouldn't do the adventure any justice. In this instance I'll just let the pictures do the talking. Hope you enjoy! Also for those curious, the Lava Lake trail head can be found in the canyon pass up to Big Sky, you will see a sign for it about half up near the bridge, just after House rock.

 Simple Pleasures for A Simple Man

Here's looking at you Bozeman!

How many zombies does it take to direct a TV show?

EDIT: I thought I had lost this blog after accidentally back browsing. Alas it was saved, so I will post this in addition to another.

Recently I came across the first season of Ren and Stimpy, which is a TV show I use to enjoy the hell out of as a youth. I'm not sure if any of y'all have seen the show since it debuted back in the great era of 90's, but the show is absolutely ridiculous. The show is just, out right absurd, every aspect of it. Just youtube the log song, and you will get an idea. I really wouldn't be surprised to learn that the creators of this show loved to drop acid before crafting the story boards for each of the episodes of this show. Seriously, watch a few episodes, this shit is unreal. The irony of the situation is that back then parents didn't really know or seem to care what the hell us kids were watching, as its borderline kid appropriate. Good ole Ren and Stimpy, they made it at least a few seasons in, until a parent finally watched it and got it shut down.

On the topic of TV shows, I find it incredible ironic and awesome that the season finale of a incredibly popular zombie TV show is on Easter. Ironic, but why, well because it's zombie jesus day of course. Man dies, man rebirths, man is zombie. Happy Zombie Jesus Day, and will someone please pass the god damn ham!

 

EDIT: The Walking Dead, more like lets build you up for what could have been an awesome season finale, and then half way through the episode hire a team of amateur-film-student-college-hipster kids and have them finish out the season finale. As they say these days, EPIC FAIL.

Beer of the week, Ninkasi Brewing Company's Spring Reign. It's springy, lightly hopped, and pretty darn tasty. I'm fairly certain this brewery can do no wrong in my eyes, I still haven't tasted a beverage from these guys that I don't love (or at least like).

Inherent Evils of the Ammo World

On the heels of a conversation in a recent class discussion comes a gun enthusiasts rant about the current state of affairs revolving around the lack of firearm ammunition. A rant concerning two types of people that I loathe. They are The Unholy Hoarders, and The Price Gougers. I'm not sure which of these two types of people I honestly hate more, and yes I do hate them both egregiously. Both have reserved a special place in which ever hell you believe in. One consumes out of fear and greed, while the other consumes out of greed and douchebaggeryness.

The first type, the unholy hoarder, and for the sake of this blog and my resentment I am referring to the ammunition hoarders. More specifically the lower dredges of ammunition hoarders, the ones who hoard out of greed for they self, against thy neighbor. Some hoarders aren't so bad, and will even hook you with rounds, or they will even let you know when a sweet deal is going down. We all hoard to some degree or another, but to lose our inner humanity, our kinship with fellow enthusiasts, now that crosses the line! A video to illustrate lines that should be crossed.

However, there are those f*&^ers that buy up every last bit of ammunition. They can and do regardless of price or concern for others. Which by the way helps to inflate the already agitated price of various ammo's. They are controlled by their misplaced fear that they will never see another round of ammunition again, and that they can be the only ones with the that supposed last bit of ammo. Skeletor should take some notes from these rat bastards. These exact people are the ones that are to blame for the absolute lack in ammunition at time of blogging. They purchase thousands of rounds of ammunition whenever, and wherever they can find them, with absolutely no intent to resell or share. Ask them to sell you a little bit of their incredibly massive treasure trove, and they will sneer and cast wanton eye upon thee. On top of their other obnoxious behaviors, you will also find that these folks are incredibly ill-informed of current politics, and generally can't accept or refuse to accept whats actually happening. These panicky, fear-mongers also have a knack for spreading their filth of a religion, the likes of which might impress the Westboro Baptist Church. An example, Joe McTurdinstein hears that there might be a ban on certain type of firearm, immediately he speculates that for some absurd reason that magically translates into a ban on all types of ammo. Which might seem realistic to those untrained in the ways of calibers of weapons. These folks are at very least knowledgeable enough to know that a potential ban on a type of weapon, by no means equates or signifies an ammunition ban. Simply put, a single caliber can be used by many various and different types of firearms, thus banning a specific caliber type of ammunition would be incredible preposterous and I'm sure the republicans would shit a brick castle before they would let any sort of legislation of that kind go through. Anyways, he buys several thousands rounds of ammunition and continues to do you so with whatever wealth he possesses and near-future income. This signals to others that they need to band-wagon with Mr.Turdinstein, and before you know it, there is an ammo shortage crisis which instills further panic buying and hoarding.

The second type, the price gouger, these guys are fairly prevalent and rat-esque, also huge d-bags. The reason they exist is effectively because of the ill-formed notions of the unholy hoarder. These guys, they operate on one principle. That is they buy a ridiculous amount of ammo at normal prices, wait for the panic to propagate to frenzy state and sell said ammo at an incredibly f#$ing high and absurd price. As it sells, and it does, it only further fuels the fire of this bogus state of false inflation.  Their only goal is to make as much money as possible, and quickly before the panic buying comes to a certain cease fire. They are similar to the hoarder in that they could give two shits about the rest of us, in fact they hope this panic continues, so they can continue their horrendous gouging ways. All these f#$s want is to make money, I guess who doesn't, but at what expense?! Taking advantage of and fueling a scarcity of ammunition is not cool, not cool at all, especially on the false pretenses of this particular one. For a great example look in The Chronicle, in the Bargain Box, anyone that is currently selling ammo in the bargain box is mostly likely selling it at an incredibly inflated price and they deserve a swift kick to the nut-sack.

Phew, a deep breath and huge swig of stout later...
 
THE BEER OF THE WEEK:

Today I have for you a brand spanking new beer to my workplace its called Dragonstooth Stout by Elysian Brewing, out of Denver, CO. This especially tasty beverage is an Imperial Oatmeal Stout. It is absolutely delicious, its dark and robust, with minimal hints of that coffee flavor that I despise. A quick note about the adjective Imperial. All Imperial means is that they increased the alcohol percentage level to fit that of the consumption beliefs of Americans. In short, it refers to the fact that Americans like stronger beer, and that it incorporates an old recipe from across the pond with an American twist. For example, Guinness notoriously amps up their beer they sell to Americans. They make it stronger because they know our need for strong beer is insatiable, and to fail to strengthen

their beer would make them weak in our sweet, sweet Yankee eyes.

 

Arena Of The Damned, Or Why The Service Industry Fails

Few things are more obnoxious than self-centered, pretentious co-op customers or really any customer that behaves without regard to other humans, what a bunch of indecent interlopers. These shoppers exist in two states. State 1: Extremely Oblivious To All Surroundings And Get Suddenly Angry When They Bump Into Someone/Something And It Should Be Their/Its Fault, these shoppers are absolutely horrid to deal with as they can't seem to figure out the definition of staying calm. Look its not my fault your life sucks and I certainly don't deserve to be lashed out on because you can't get your shit together.  I can understand the whole bumping into an object/person and being upset especially if it's not their fault. However, I would say 95% of the time the accidents that are followed by an extreme verbal barrage are a direct result of what appears to be a bong-rip addled decision system. Honestly I have had roommates whom after several bong rips were more aware of their immediate surroundings. Seriously I have watched people push their carts into oncoming cart traffic, and these are easily avoidable accidents too. Certainly the first thoughts in their mind shouldn't be how another is at fault, but rather perhaps how they need to suck up their pride and start apologizing or figuring out in which way they plan on fixing their f*&^ing mess that they created. State 2: I Am Entitled To Do/Ask Whatever I Want Because I Am A Pompous F@#$ That Has Never Worked In The Service Industry Because I Think I Am Too Good For The Service Industry. Nothing boils my blood more than those customers that can easily be classified as pompous asses. While we are on the subject of the service industry, I think that their should be a new type of draft, one in which every person should be required to work a minimum of three years in the service industry. If for no other reason than to cram into their infinitely small minds how incredibly ridiculous and unnecessary their conduct is. I don't believe it to be that they are simply rich and famous, as I have served celebrities and they are typically nice and not demanding beyond reason. Really I think its more in line with how customers are allowed to conduct themselves in a business setting. This seems to be a direct result of the misconstrued and heavily abused notion that all customers "should have it their way". Similarly the practice of the customer always being right is defective, draconian, and absolutely trash. It has opened the door for customers to get away with essentially anything, even worse they expect that they can get way with anything. I do believe that customers should get the product/service that they want and that it should meet their specifications/requirements within reason. The delivery of these goods/services should not be at the expense of another persons integrity and well being. What ever happened to the golden rule? It's a damn shame that we allow other humans to conduct themselves in such a dishonorable and distasteful manner. Step the f#$% up and smack a fool if he layeth downeth inappropriatelyeth. It's time that we change the code that allows the behavior of consumers to unfavorably augment another person. Phew, that was a rant and a half. Thankfully these customers only make up about 15% of the populace. The other 85% of us we are good people who have either worked in the service industry or at least understand the concept of treating people with respect and regard. Also if you some how managed to ignore the image to the side you should observe it now, Confucius says obey. 

The Consumed Behavoir of The Trailer Park Boys

Haven't seen The Trailer Park boys? Well you poor, unfortunate soul, you are missing out on probably the single greatest anything that Canada has produced, aside from Pamela Anderson of course. This show follows the comedic follies of a rather daft, yet some how genius, group of trailer park residents. These follies include; adventures with a mountain lion named Steve French, Jim Lahey's many "shit-isms", the "bottle kids", and of course no season is complete without a ridiculously botched weed growing operation.

Trailer Park Boys exceeds in not only how much heart and originality the show has, but also how extremely low budget it was. Major TV networks should take a serious cue from these guys, that while a large budget sure helps to build a TV series it by no means is the deciding factor of its attractiveness and acceptance. *Classwork Talk Alert* What they figured out was how to listen to their audience, essentially because they are part of the audience. They came from the same demographic that they were trying to sell the show too. An average low to middle income person that isn't afraid of a smattering of curse words and crude caveman-esque humor. And I will only admit this once, maybe we are all like reptiles and just need our reptile buttons pressed, or whatever it was that obnoxiously rich french man said. Included below is Mr. Lahey describing his looking glass self.

Granted that video may seem a bit strange if you know nothing about the Trailer Park Boys, so here is Ricky and his flawlessly hilarious witticisms. I think the reason we enjoy humor of this variety is because it is the only damn thing our ideal and actual selves can agree on, that its absolutely hilarious. On page two of the text book of life it says, when in doubt laugh it out.

Beer of the Week: Ninkasi's Extra Special Bitter Ale and Lagunita's Brown Shugga Substitute Ale

After sufficiently sampling each I can't decide which I like more. The Brown Shugga is blowing up the alcohol ricter scale at 8% alcohol by volume, the Ninkasi is tugging along at 5.8%. That said they are both robust and hoptastic, and seriously just try the damn beer. Expand your beer horizons. Gluten-free need not worry, check out the O Mission brew line by Widmer Brothers(Not 100% on that being the right company, but O' Mission is most definitely the right brew line). It tastes like beer sans the gluten.

Super Bowl Sunday and My Beer(s) of the Week

This week I have two beers being featured in my beer-o-blog-o-sphere. Black Ghost Oatmeal Stout by Madison River Brewing Company (over in Belgrade, MT) and Little Sumpin' Sumpin' by Lagunitas. While I can't say that I have a definitive favorite brewery, both of these brewery's are easily in my Top 5. However, I can with much gusto say that neither brewery has a beer that is anything but deliciously awesome. Yes I can and will claim that, and here's why. I am what some call a beer snob, however not one of those whiny, obnoxious, know-it-all's that claims his/her superb taste for beer is second to none. They have reserved themselves a special place in non-alcoholic hell.

A quick tip to deal with those ass-hats, (1st) hit the mental ignore switch and save your sanity, (2nd) grab a can/bottle/glass/container of the shittiest beverage nearby (the greater the sugar content, the stickier the mess, I recommend Mad-Dog 20/20 if you can find one), (3rd) waterfall said substance on beer snob to end his incessant whining.

Back to my qualifications as a certifiably non-obnoxious, non-whiny... hey put that disgusting beverage down I know what your up too, I invented that technique a few lines back, and besides dumping a beverage all over your monitor won't magically erase my sage internet wisdom, yeah that's right I said sage. Lets just suffice it to say, that I love beer, not all beer, but the majority of beers, from aluminum can to fancy glass bottle to under-carbonated home-brew experiment, I love em'!

Black Ghost Oatmeal Stout is so damn tasty that if there was but one bottle of it left in the world, and the qualifications to acquire it were to wrestle a black bear for its trout dinner, my life expectancy would plummet. Comparatively, Little Sumpin' Sumpin' is great, amazing even, but worth challenging a bear for its dinner, hardly. That said both have amazing flavors, appropriate amounts of hops, and garner and easy recommendation for just about anyone that would enjoy either a stout or an IPA. Might I note that if you are not a fan of darker, full bodied beer, these beers might not be for you.

Final notes, didn't watch the super bowl, don't care. Please don't attempt to fool me into thinking there is only one bottle of Black Ghost Oatmeal Stout left in the world, while it might make for a hilarious YouTube video, the bear would certainly be decimated and the guilt would consume you. A display of my bear wrestling techniques. And I realized that I don't have anything of relevance for our consumer behavior class. Shit, next paragraph!

I promise, this is my last paragraph. Part V - Live Organ Transplants. So, In "The Persuaders", there was that douchy mcdoucher french guy that made all that money from marketing schemes, in which he equated humans to reptiles. People actually paid this man to make a mockery of the common man. I especially hated his smug, know-it all attitude, quite similar to a beer snob. I would pay exactly a third of my next paycheck, around $150,  for someone to pour a vat of skunk-gland juice all over him, and then after the shame of being stanky make him fight a bear for its trout dinner. And finally a video to console you for reading this ridiculously long blog post, next time will hopefully be shorter. Stupid, hilarious, and a throw back to the crappy cartoon He-Man.

I'm sure that I'm not alone when I say the most stressful thing about blogging is the time leading up to that fateful moment when finger strikes key. Honestly, they couldn't have effectively developed a better word than blog. It's fitting because it sounds much like it feels at times, which is a mixture between the need to word barf and the need to scoop said barf up, and smear it around for others to enjoy via an electronic medium. (-1 Assignment points for Nick Esposito)

On a more serious note, I found that all I needed to succeed this semester, was that I needed a sweet theme to word barf about, well and I'm sure less bitching about blogging wouldn't hurt either. So, I figure I am going to tailor my blog to consumer behavior involving my favorite vice, alcohol. Well more specifically to the consumption of beer.

Today's feature is Maiden The Shade by Ninkasi Brewery, as pictured above. (Please ignore the Vitamin R can pictured nearby, even if it is Mountain Fresh, it detracts from my ability to be taken seriously over my choice of beverages). Those of you that are of age to consume the nectar of gods have undoubtedly been to the Slayer Station, also known as the Beer Cave, also known as the Cronico of College. That is indeed where I found this deal of a beer. All bow to the deal-wall of the Conoco. The deal-wall is the best beer marketing scheme ever, or at least in Bozeman, it consists of three ideals. 1) Get beer that is close to sell-by-date. 2) Sell it like a boss, make a lot of money off of beer that is pretty close to free. 3) Once one ape tells other ape, all apes will know and congregate.

Why did I buy it you may ask? Was it the $1.99 price tag, the awesomeness of this brewery, the clever title and "Special Release" tag, or simply the sexy temptress on the label? You got me it was all of them. My beer boner has subsided, time to talk about issues relative to class. First you have to have a good product worth marketing, or a line of products. This brewery has top notch beer worth drinking. Second you need a clever slogan and catchy art on the label to snatch the attention of us, the beer consumers. This is especially important if a consumer who has never tried a beer from your brewery is deciding between yours or another perhaps better known brewery. Notice the "Special Release" tag, attractive hippy chick scantily clad with a tattoo of the brewery on her back, and of course the cool color scheme. Third, a killer price, two dollars for 22 ounces of delicious beer, SOLD! I bought four, they are already gone, woe is me.

Alright, welcome to my first blog post. I think to reach my full potential of a first blog post I need to crack a tasty, frosty brewski. An odd thought while we are on the subject, sometimes the first sip of a PBR reminds me of a bowl of cereal, not really sure what's up with that, but there it is. Anyways, in light of my marketing class, I decided to embed a video of how beer commercials use to be hilarious, and not the drivel they pump out these days.

Classic. WASSSSUPP....?